*WARNING: I AM VERY BLUNT. SOME MIGHT GET OFFENDED*
Just remember...These are my views. Not yours. Opinions are always welcome. Say what you like. And if you dont like what I say then you can choose to do away with me and I will be completely fine with it.
Well...how long are these blog things alowed to be?
There is so much that bothers me its not even funny. I have had so much drama and negativity in my life. Most people would have pulled the trigger by now.
Some has been brought on by actions I have caused.
Most has been graciously handed to me by those I let myself get close to.
I HATE drama.
I am begining to see though that I have caused alot of this pain and suffering I've been thru on myself.
I beacame EVERYTHING I never wanted to be.
I conformed to peoples ways just to gain approval. To feel accepted. To feel loved.
But in doing that I denied the person that ment the most, ME!
When I was growing up I was forced to go to church. And I loathed every second of it.
I was around 8 when I started realizing that everyone in there was hiding from something. I could see it in there fake smiles and fake hellos. I could feel the tension in that building. The tension of surpressed people.
We would all stand when we were told to stand.
Sit when told to sit.
Pray when we were told to pray.
I felt controled.
At 8 years old I knew that I would never put my children thru that.
I knew that I was going to be different and not conform to anyone.
I knew then that there was more then one way.
But I was 8 so I had no choice.
I can remember being pulled off my mattress because I did not want to go.
Church scared me. The fact of someone telling me how to live my life was overwhelming. So I protested as much as I could.
I can remember the preacher talking crap about the church down the street. I went to a church called Unity Baptist. Unity Baptist was so sure that Paulding Baptist was a cult. And that the only "real" way to God was the way our Preacher taught.
I used to sit and listen to him and wonder "if we believe in the same God why are they wrong?"
I hated evey second of it. But again I was 8 and it was out of my hands on weather or not I went. And so I went.
We went to church for several years. And I could see thru everyone. And it hurt me to see people hide themselves. Why would you ever want to hide who you really are?
So I vowed to myself I never would.
And I held true to that for years.
My Dad and Mom divorced and my Dad started to explore new options. He started taking us to Catholic Church. And during that time I guess he got sick of hiding and he told me he was gay when I was 13. So when that was revealed to me I knew that all my feelings towards church people were true. That the majority, not all, were hiding from themselves just to gain approval from people.
It was very hard for me to be a 13 year old and hear that from my Dad but it just made me stand by what I believed even more.
He was judged and ridiculed because he was just being himself.
Why is it so hard for us to be ourselves?
At 13 I became very aware of who I was. I made it a point to say what I wanted and believe what I wanted. And if you didnt accept me as me my attitude was "GO FUCK YOURSELF!"
All of middle and highschool I expressed that. I did get into alot of scuffles with people about what I believed. I did spend a good bit of time in ISS for it.
I also didnt have many friends because of it. People have told me now that they didnt want to know me then because I was to mysterious or to much to handle. And I didnt care because I was being me. I loved who I was and loved what I believed.
I believed that there was only one God. A loving God. A God who loves all of his creation no matter what you were or who you were. A God who accepted you for you. And that Christians never accept anyone until they "convert" them. If you dont believe what they believe then your going to hell and thats it.
And I still believe that.
But have been holding it in for to long.
But I did what I said I would never do....I conformed. I became everything I was so against.
Thats what bothers me the most about myself.
It started when I married. I had just gotten over some issues and met someone who made me feel better then the issues did. And she knew that and used that to slowly gain control. I became obsessed with her. Dumped my whole life to be with her. Co-dependent isnt even close. It was worse then that.
I slowly over time became her toy to mold and I let her do it. I completely forgot about me. I supressed myself because of someone and what they believed. I forgot who I was as a person. When we split up for the first time in late 2007 to late 2008 I felt lost because I didnt have her to tell me how to act and how to be. So I wanted something to hold onto. Something that could make me feel good. So I did what everyone else did.
I went to church.
At first I did enjoy it. I took it in hardcore. Studied the hell out of it on a level most never do. And during that time I started seeing God in a new light. A way I had never looked at him before. A way Christians dont see God.
I always felt uncomfortable in church settings and study groups. But I forced myself to do it. If I didnt do things the way they said I could feel them lookimg down on me.
And I began letting them dictate my life. Began letting the church decide my life for me. I left a controling marriage and replaced it with a contriling belief system. During this time I was told many times to go back to my wife. I never wanted to because I knew how bad my marriage had been. But I didnt want to look bad. I wanted approval. I wanted to look good to everyone I met. So I got back with my wife. We changed churches and became the ideal church family.
Church every Sunday. Bible study at the pastors house every Wednesday. We even went to church camp. We were the ideal church family.
At church.
Home was a different story.
As I stated eariler I was not comfortable in church while we were seperated. And while we were going together I was even more uncomfortable. She tried to be less controling of me and I tried to be more loving to her. But when two people arent supposed to be together they are not supposed to be together. Home life sucked. We were the hypocrites. Everything was different Monday thru Saturday.
But you can not supress a persons true spirit forever. It all comes out eventualy.
We both knew we were only putting on a show for approval. For other people. Not for us.
So as you can see it didnt work.
All the people and "friends" I met stopped talking to me. They all look down on me now because I divorced my wife. Ive had my friend count on Facebook plumit because I just wanted to be me again.
I became everything I never wanted to be. I completly conformed to others ideas and beliefs to make myself look good. I completly forgot about myself.
I was a true hypocrite.
Just like so many others.
I let man dictate my life.
I let man decide how I believed in God.
I lost myself.
People always complain about Christians getting a bad rap and want to know why.
Well look around.
Look at how many divorces there are in the church.
Look at how the majority of Christians treat people.
Look at how they force their beliefs on people.
Look at how many hypocrites come out from churchs.
I thought that I was loved in the church but I realized that when you dont play by their rules they will drop you like a bad habit.
You dont need a church or a book to be loved by God.
You just need to love God.
And love people for what they are not what you think they should be.
Religion does not define a person. Religion is a mask to hide a person.
Be yourself. Dont hide because you are not comfortable with yourself.
God loves you for who you are. Not because of what church you go to or what version of the bible you read.
God created man. Man created religion. Religion destroyed God.
Seek God on your own.
God knows who you really are.
If your life is perfect because of church. And you feel that it works for you and you are 100% comfortable with it then dont change a thing. But also dont force it down people either. What works for you might not work for someone else.
We have aright to believe anything we want. And If what you believe makes you happy I am happy for you.
But if you are doing it seeking acceptace from others all youre doing is hurting yourself. Your true self always comes out. You cant supress it forever.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
That was so beautifully written, Brandon. Some churches make me feel that way more than others. I won't name out specific names in this, but I immediately think of one church in this area that has always made me feel that way. The Bible does say that God desires for us to have fellowship with other believers, but I believe you can seek that out in your own way or at a place of your choosing. Jesus, himself, was opening people's eyes to the flawed system in which believers lived/worshipped in. I feel that Jesus is not for "religion" at all. When I think of what the word "religion" really means to me, I think of habits. Creeds people memorize, daily practices, etc...God wants so much more than that from us! If a person truly believes living in that way is what God wants from them I don't want to judge them (that's between them and God), but I believe He wants so much more than that. He desires a personal relationship with us...I don't see how habitual practices really fit into the kind of real relationship God desires to have with us.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you've been through a long, painful [at times], eye-opening journey, but you've come out for the better. I'll look forward to having more discussions of this type with you. I believe we grow so much from sharing our thoughts/findings with others.
do me a favor. go to your nearest book store and spend 7 dollars on "Stranger in a Strangeland" by Robert A. Heinlein. Read it, twice. Don't rush through it, put it down when it gets heavy or you need to think about whats been said. Cry at the end. wait a few weeks and read it again... let me know how it effects you.
ReplyDeleteYou are very brave to open up and let your true feelings be known. We have talked about these very issues, and you know I experienced some very similar things. I am so proud of you. So glad that you are moving on with your life with eyes open and all those misconceptions behind you. You are and always have been an amazing man!
ReplyDeleteWell I tried to post a comment and apparently it was eaten by the ethernet monster. I will try again. You are a young man with a keen intelligence who is constrained by conformity and feels suppressed by the rigidity of dogma. I share that personality trait with you. Others are very uncomfortable careening around in the open without the confining security of boundaries and beliefs. This is not to say that one personality type is better than the other, but one should realize that an attitude toward God, religion, and a belief system can be approached from differing perspectives. Of course, if you are one of those who require the boundaries of doctrine, you cannot agree with this because such agreement is outside the boundaries of your belief system. Alas.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that each of us is on a life long journey for a search for truth. The braver and more fearless of us seek truth by staring it the abyss. This is not a place for the faint hearted and those in need of borders. I have been on this journey a good long while. Just like you at about eight I realized that God can be approached from many different directions, and not just the one taught by the Christian faith. I had an enquiring mind. I wanted to know. I even went to a high brow Presbyterian seminary in search of meaning. I would be happy to share some postcards from my journey if you would like, which may help you along with your own. But remember we are all utimately alone on this journey. Everyone must find his way.
I concur with the comment about Stranger In A Strange Land. I read that book as well as everything I could get my hands on by Heinlein when I was a teenager. That is his most compelling book ( although for sheer fun Starship Troopers is a blast!)
For a more nuanced and perhaps difficult literary insight I recommend Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus. Sisyphus questioned the gods and for this offense is condemned to an eternal life of pushing a boulder up a hill, which returns to earth upon reaching its apex. The task must be repeated endlessly and forever. You may have noticed that I have a painting of this in my living room. I actually comissioned a SCAD art professor to do this work. My only request was that she read Camus' work prior to undertaking the task. She did and we had a marvelous time discussing the work and it is now my most treasured object.
I will leave you with Camus' conclusion (although reading and re-reading the piece is essential to understanding.): I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one's burdens again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterilenor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night-filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."
One must indeed.